Lost

Confidence, Principles, Associated?

Confidence is gained through success. Failure demotivates. Is that the reason for me to avoid failure? I came to realization that I only do things that I feel comfortable with, and avoid almost anything I am not comfortable with. Speaking about risk avoiding, I tend to do things that I can control. But speaking about confidence? No. I just realized how pitiful I am that I avoid almost every single thing that I cant achieve. Confident you say? I doubt what I used to think I was now.

Principles. I kinda hate them. I find myself extremely emotional but extremely logical at the same time. They just clash EVERY time I try to make a decision. Sometimes you just wanna go with your emotion. But I realized thats being irresponsible, and thus discarded the decision even though I really wanted to play and have fun/go wild without bothering the responsibilities on hand. I just, simply, cant, do it. For once I thought I was damn rational in making decisions, but I always tend to find excuse to fit my decisions to my emotions, unless things really cant be done. I just dont know how to say no to people.

And I really suck at socialling. I just dont even know anything about my best friends. They can be like seriously best buddies in terms of hanging out, have fun, but you dont know what are they thinking. Sometimes u feel like asking, but you just...dont know if people ready to tell you, or might find you being offensive. And yes. You can think that someone's your best buddies, but people might not treat you so. And you just dont get what are they thinking. Sometimes I feel like a burden. Its like I am filling people with my emo feeling, but I dont know people treat you as bff and willing to listen and stuff. And I am inputing people all the while, but just failed as a listener to them. Complicated.

I have not been emo for quite some time. Like seriously. And I've realized that all the while I am avoiding the problem. I know I am emo, but decided to ignore and continue life by doing something else. Avoiding does not solve the problem, but I just dont know how to face them. For once I thought I was an excellent problem solver, but in the end, I just dont even understand what "problem solving" means.

I feel like a loser.