Changes

*Note to readers: This post is extremely messy and even the author doesn't know what he is writing. Read with care! you are warned*

I can't cope!

I don't know, I am not busy as I was in YE, but somehow I find that what I am doing now is more tiring than YE. Is it because I have not been hyperactively participating in these extra activities ever since I retired from prefect? Or is it because of other reasons?

I think I have gone rusty. I only have Ed Board to take care after retiring. The commitment is set, focus. One point. Plus, I am not the one making decisions! Lily and Pn.Chan are the busy ones. Basically I am just settling minor stuff, and do what I was asked to help with. I don't deny that, I was taking things for granted and I did not bother to use my brain anymore, as there are people out there making decisions. I just noticed how selfish I was as an assistant for relying everything on my EIC.

No doubt. I am slowly getting used to the busy pace in college now. I once again have to do online meeting, organize stuff, be in charged of something, get busy, make decisions. The work load is not much, much lesser than that of the time I got during YE, to the extend that I don't even have time to sleep. Read my blog posts in year 2008 and you will know. The question arise: Why do I feel so tiring?

I don't think rusty is the only reason. Days ago perhaps. But until today, I think I have managed to return to the past pace of meeting deadlines. I think I was doing exactly, if not better than, like how I manage things in the past. But now it is just so tiring. And finally I think I came to the conclusion of "passion"

That basically explains everything. For being so damn new here in HELP, joining student's council was initially fine, if just being the Editorial Board photographer. But now it has became like, event planner, and that eats definitely much more time than what I expect. Not to mention about the commitment that you have to put in. Without passion, these just can't be done. I am just new here, I still do not have the passion to commit my 100% here. Don't ask me why I had the passion for YE when I just joined it and had to took all the responsibilities. Cause' that time I am only committing to YE as a leader, and prefects and ed-board as a follower with basically nothing much to worry about. Besides, YE achievers were my friends!

But now things are different! Working with HELP team here is like, people that you know for only 1 week, probably 2. And sad to say, my passion is not there at HMC! I am more into TTC. No, it's not the salary that matters, I just feel like...connected and I have a bond there. I work there because I want to work, like what I kept emphasizing last year: Ed-Boarders do things because they want to do it. They don't do it for politics, position, fame, status, none of that matters. That's the same in TTC. And no, I don't mean that people that I am working with now are hypocrites. But you just don't feel the connection! And now we are like, running the event, and a slot of our events are for the people (which where the hypocrites come in) who are going for presidential election. Personally I would like my classmate, Neekita to get it, as she does things because she wants to. But some other ones...no eye see. They don't even know what leaders are all about, and there they are, saying how great they are, why they want to be president, to serve, blah blah, and at the end, it is obvious that they just want the fame. And imagine working with president like that, and yes, they are popular. Election is all about the popularity war. Everyone I know now are talking about those hypocrites and are going to vote for them. Saddening it is.

I really think that what I have been doing right now is just to satisfy other people. Perhaps what I have been holding onto now, is just to leave a good impression of myself to the others. I don't wanna leave a selfish image to new friends. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite too, as what I am working now is not the real goal, but for another personal aim.

Man, people just can't be lazy! Things, even leadership and commitmentship has to be practiced all the while. Just being lazy for a moment, a few months, I ended up being a useless junk.