sigh...

As what I posted yesterday, I need to cut myself into two. And today, I realise I have to cut myself into three...
on nexst thursday - YE sales briefing, prefects marching competition practice, now plus ungu hari sukan pembarisan practice
on Friday - YE sales, prefects marching competition practice and ungu pembarisan practice. They've made it compulsory for everyone to attend on friday for ungu.

sigh...my sales will end at 3pm, and by the time I reach school should be 3.30+? and the next day, which is saturday will have the marching competition. Even if I reach school I will be going for prefects marching practice, not ungu. but then I will miss the practice and the formation...sigh...

and today the integration program with CHS bentong, I feel weird. I was down, I was complaining that the event wasn't organised, but everything just seem right, except that the fact that the tour was messy, and the changing shirt was messy, the others are quite ok. I complain that the game wasn't suitable for everyone, since it is too boyish, but everyone enjoyed, thats the point. but why do I still feel not right? In school I blame it all on the committee for making this event unorganised, even blaming them for not confirming stuff with the LPS, but things aren't as easy as it is right? I am a head of YE, I know things do seem easy in theory, but in practical you face problems. Why why why!!??

I sit down, cool my brain, have a sleep. I realised: its my pride. Its not that I am not part of the organising committee, its the fact that, I was placed in a werid and embarassing position. I am the cameraman, when there is an event, I should be there. But, they said other than form5s and form4 organising committee, others can only join at 10.50. I am not the committee, I shouldn't come down at 8.45, but I am the cameraman, I think I should be there at 8.45. I confirmed with shin yee, shin yee said I was allowed to be there.

but as I thought it would be as easy as it is, things just don't turn up right. I mean, I can always forget about the responsibility and stay in class as a good boy, but the sense of responsibility of mine just wouldn't allow me. I feel responsible for the board to keep every single shot of memory. That's why I am down there at 8.45. But as I mentioned, I was placed in an embarassing position. I was there, but some form4s, I wouldn't pinpoint anyone, but they just give me a weird look, a look that seem to be: why are you here? I know I have been the spotlight of every single event by being able to run around freely as I like, and I was given many privelledges. Perhaps as we are all form4s, the sense of competition for the poses we will get in less than half year time is strong. We want to get as much spotlight as we want. Deny it if you want, but I know, many are ambitious, they just don't want to confess that they are.

Yes I feel very embarassing. I know it's my fault that I didn't confirm with the committees. But I thought, yes I thought, as long as I got shin yee's approval I shall be free to be there. But the look the form4s keep giving me just don't make me feel right. I feel very embarrassing, as if I am so perasan enough to call myself a committee and be there when there is only ppl who has the "qualification" can be there. People just keep throwing me the look: "why are you here, you aren't the committee" It was my fault for not confirming with them, but yet, its your fault too for not telling me that YOU DONT NEED A CAMERAMAN CALLED SAW KAI BOON THERE. If you can find substitution just tell me, so I don't have to be down there. But you didn't tell me, that makes me think that I should be there to take photos. But the look you guys are throwing at me just make me feel like I am an intruder and I shouldn't be there and I am so perasan to call myself a committee and I am so big-headed and perasan to think I am so important that I am the only one who can take photos. The fact is, I AM NOT! I know many can take photos. If you got someone else to hold the camera, tell me, so I dont have to be there like an idiot. If not, means I should be there, and stop throwing me those looks. Or if you totally DONT need a cameraman, tell me also, so I dont have to bear with your weird looks.

This really discourage me. And what make it worse is that people keep thinking I am down because I AM NOT PART OF THE COMMITTEE, or because the COMMITTEE DID NOT ADAPT MY IDEAS FOR THE GAMES. I have played my role, by giving them ideas, adapt it or not, its their business. I gave them a clear interpretion, playing this this this is not suitable for all because of whatsoever reason, playing this would be a good choice because of whatsoever reason. I DID NOT MAKE THEM TO ADAPT MY IDEA. take it or not, it's their business. I really feel discouraged. People just think about me in a so negative way. Am I that hateful? I just feel so discouraged, when the people you trust all the time suddenly just betray you and putting a hat with "power-crazy man" on your head. I DONT LIKE SPOTLIGHT, I DONT LIKE BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. it just SUCK when people is keeping an eye for you trying to make sure you do everythign right. I just became the center of attention by ACCIDENT! I thought being a cameraman would be fun and thus I chose to be one last year, AND I SERIOUSLY NEVER THOUGHT OF BEING THE SPOTLIGHT OF EVERY EVENT.

for the whole day I was down. Perhaps it was the embarrasement that stop me from joining any group. What makes thing worse is that the head committee didn't even come to tell me that you should be in a group or what, like just totally ignoring me. again, I feel my existance there is not needed. YES ITS MY FAULT FOR BEING A SO-CALLED INTRUDER, but you dont have to be that mean right? AT LEAST TELL ME THAT I AM NOT NEEDED AND MY EXISTANCE IS UNNECESSARY, so i can stop being an EYESORE. It jsut discourage me. I dont feel like joining any activity of the day. I isolate myself. I just want to make sure I take all the photos right. I want to end something I started, and at least prove that I am doing my things since I am there. I want to prove that I wasn't there for just being a spotlight. This was all done unconciously. I didn't plan them. I just follow my heart, and I dont know yet, if this is the reason that causes me to isolate myself for the whole day. But the fact that I feel embarassing is true. I totally feel not right throughout the whole event.

I feel stupid. just a small mistake, jus the mistake of not confirming with the head of committee but the head prefect (they just sound the same, both are the heads, both can make decisions, just that I asked the wrong head at the wrong time) A small mistake that ruin my day, and it ruin my reputation, making everyone thinks I am power crazy like. BUT at least it is confirmed that, THOSE BUDDIES ARE JUST SO CALLED BUDDIES THAT COULDN'T EVEN TRUST YOU OR GIVE YOU SUPPORT. right, I see them clearly. Again and again I try to deny the fact that my friends are not trust worthy. Again and again they just left me alone when I need help, but I bare with that. BUT, BUT, today I see it clearly, in their mind I am just a POWER CRAZY MAN THAT IS HATED. they are just bunch of HYPOCRATES that pretend that they are your friend.

I am seriously dissapointed. This cut is just too deep. If thats what they think of me, no point of me being with them, a whole bunch of hypocrates. I will stay away from them from today onwards. I wouldn't mind what they say about me now, I will just be me, I will live on as I do, I have nothing to do with them ANYMORE.